DIVA’s sex and relationships expert wades into the wild west world of internet dating.
Dear Hot Stuff,
My problem seems miniscule compared to some that you feature, but I could really do with some advice. I'll explain.
I met this girl on a dating site, we chatted for a week or so, met for coffee a couple of times and really seemed to hit it off. She has been to my house twice and again we got on well and on the second occasion we even kissed. We proceeded to made arrangements to go out on a proper date which she cancelled due to work commitments. (We live in the same town but both have busy work lives, she works nights and I work days.)
I tried to arrange another but she was always busy with work – I figured she was giving me the brush-off so texted her saying as much – she texted back saying she really wanted to take me out – but that the Christmas period was very busy and she hoped I would wait until the New Year for her. I really like this girl, she knows this, and so of course I said yes, that I would wait and in the meantime we have continued to text daily.
She told me she had deleted her profile on the dating site where we met – which was true – but I've just found out she has posted a new profile. I guess my question is: am I wasting my time, with her and with dating sites?
I feel as if I will never have a relationship, it has only been three years since I allowed myself to accept the fact that I am gay – and I still haven't had the courage to come out – only my best friend knows. I feel so alone and isolated. I don't know any gay women in my home town, I guess I have shied away from relationships locally for fear of being found out but when I met this girl it was different – I wanted to take a chance and had even considered telling my sister, but now I just feel confused…
Pauline from South Shields
Dear Small Town,
All variety, colour and degree of problem are welcome my dear Small Town, so don't be daft. That's what I'm here for.
Let's begin.
Firstly, get rid of all thoughts of this other lass. Sod her. It sounds suspiciously to me like a case of 'she's just not that into you'. (Yup, I've been brushing up on my SATC.) Girls, check me if I'm wrong, but if you like someone, you're going out with them, busy or not. You're going out with them at the first opportunity. And I'm aware that you might be thinking "Ow, bitch", but trust me, Small Town, for your own peace of mind you HAVE to tell yourself this and believe it, until either time or the girl in question, teaches you otherwise. But you've been texting, I hear you say. So what? I'm afraid that daily texts are as much proof of lurve or attachment as they are proof of guilt or trying not to be mean. And do you want to be with someone who fibs? WTF is with this profile business? Pull the other one, love, it's got bells on it. Not nice, not nice at all.
It's precisely this strong sense of what you do and what you don't want that anyone embarking into the wild west world of internet/app dating has to maintain at all times. It's a dangerous, deceptive and utterly dodgy minefield of potential mindfucks out there, Small Town. BUT GO FOR IT. Don't lose heart. There ARE nice, normal, stable and gorgeous girls online. You just have to find them. I invite readers to share any success stories they have in the comments, just for you to take a look!
As for feeling like you'll never have a relationship, well, I'm an absolute believer of that old saying 'a watched kettle never boils.' Take your time, Small Town, girls will come along. Don't jump on the first one on the scene, don't settle for less than perfect, don't make do just because you had a quick snog, decide what you want and it'll just kind of, arrive in its own time. It's like being the perfect kind of late. You can't time that. It has to come naturally or risk feeling orchestrated…
My parting words to you are of caution though, dear Small Town. I can't urge to you to pop your little bod out of that stifling closet there, but the fact that you haven't is a complication in two significant ways. One, you'll feel a hell of lot better and at ease with yourself when you do, and two, it risks putting off potential partners because being a secret isn't a big turn-on.
Good luck.